Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts

Monday, February 01, 2016

Viral chat between a 9 year old boy and new girlfriend


An awkward exchange between a 9 year old boy and his girlfriend has gone viral…


This text exchange, between "Damion " and his 'new girlfriend',was shared by Vine star Freddy Amazin , who is based in San Diego, California.



The boy's chats are in yellow..

Open Letter To MTN (Must Read)



I will not go and re-register my line. You can fool everyone if you like, you might have fooled me before, but you would never fool me again.
The only reason while you continue to pull the wool over our gullible eyes is because the consumer rights' protection agencies are either in the vegetative state, or completely dead.
How can you explain a situation where you would tell your millions of teeming subscribers to register their SIM cards and provide the necessary bio-data, only for you to wake up one morning to tell us to go and register our lines again WITH ABSOLUTELY NO EXPLANATION?
It beats my imagination and it defies not just logic, but also philosophy. Were you drunk when you were registering our numbers? Did a malicious virus wipe your entire database?
Maybe I'm giving you too much credit sef. You probably wrote the records in books like an ancient bookkeeper and a giant yellow rat ate them all. Whatever your reasons (or lack of reasons) may be, this is beyond ridiculous.
I have always maintained an MTN line because apart from being my very first line, most of my close associates also use MTN.
To some extent, the coverage is also extensive. I didn't hesitate when the directive came from NCC to register our lines. I braved the queue, registered my line and collected my security number.
Didn't I try enough?
Looking back, I can deduce that my attachment to MTN was more sentimental than practical, as your tariffs are the highest for calls and for browsing.
You send an average of 100 spam texts per day, enough to run down a Blackberry battery and more than enough to give any Osun State government worker waiting for Aregbesola's alert acute hypertension. Your nuisance value knows no bounds.
Even Airtel that has been passed round different investors more times than a devil's mail bag has not come up with this kind of Grade A foolishness.
What the heck is wrong with you? Don't your customers mean anything to you? Doesn't it bother you that Nigerians who wasted their time to register their SIM cards have to do the same thing again?
You haven't even deemed it fit to fine-tune the process. It doesn't make sense to preserve bad experiences like these, in very much the same way that one relic of history is preserving mud huts, and stating them on an assets' declaration form.
My records are not on your database, but you remember my number when you want to tell me to text 'YES' to win a missing plot of land in Port-Harcourt, right? May heavy-duty thunder fire all of una. I really don't blame you. If Nigerians had run your devious, xenophobic, exploitative, heartless, opportunistic, fraudulent ass back to South Africa, you wouldn't be here making them queue desperately like migrants.
What's to say that there wouldn't be another sham registration in the next couple of months since you guys obviously don't know what you are doing? You blocked my line, you have helped me.
Prior to your ridiculous directive, I had already banished your yeye SIM card to a barely functional phone.
I have even borrowed the maximum permissible amount. Go ahead, feel free. It sure feels great knowing that when I eventually toss the phone into the trash-can, I won't have to take out the SIM. Good riddance to bad rubbish.
You deserve to be sued for every fraudulent penny you've ever made on our shores. Thanks to other service providers for making sure that your evil dream of becoming a monopoly will forever remain a demented hallucination. There are so many fishes in the ocean. I will not tolerate your recklessness any longer. Peace at last….

This letter speaks my mind.


Sunday, January 31, 2016

lol...............funny indeed


Wednesday, January 27, 2016

NIGERIAN PROBLEM EVERYWHERE YOU GO.


ANGELS: Father! We are tired of these Nigerians in heaven.
 

GOD: What have they done this time?
 

ANGEL: Everything! They don't listen to instructions. They don't obey traffic rules. They
don't wait for their turn in anything. They are completely reckless!
 

GOD: Then we better send them to hell!
(Calls the Devil). Hello..
 

SATAN: Hello my creator and master, pls call me later.there is an issue here trying to resolve.
Ten (10) minutes later:
 

GOD: Hello Lucifer.
 

SATAN: Your Lordship my father! I'll call you back.
 

The issue has turned into a crisis ooo!
 

An hour later:
 

SATAN: Hello?
 

GOD: What's going on over there?
 

SATAN: It's the Nigerians I have with me in hell oooo!
(He stammers),they... they... they have quenched the fire in hell and installed air conditioner.


Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Signs That God Is Punishing You For Your Sins

 These are the signs that you are suffering from the wages of your sins
 laughing

1. If a goat passes and your joystick rises above the normal level

2. If you carry an expo into the exam hall and you can’t recognize your own handwriting

3. If you mistake super glue for vaseline when self servicing, God is punishing you for your sins

4. If you want to chop and clean mouth from your maid, and you eventually impregnated her.

5. If you attend church service not to worship God but to charge your phone, only to get to where your phone was plugged and it has been stolen

6. If a rat enters your room, locates your folder and eats your original Bsc certificate

7. If you travel from Lagos to Sokoto by road just to bleep a kitty-cat, and you got involved in a ghastly road accident

8. If you are a woman wrapper and you open a thread to profess your love to a lady, only to see her storm on the thread calling the moderators to close down the thread

9. If the person you bashed in the public transport happens to be your interviewer

10. Feel free to add the last one




*Abeg na joke oooo*


Mriah

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."

Saturday, January 23, 2016

Which one provoke you pass

AbleMoJah® Nigeria.

Laugh off ur stress:

I was coming home one Saturday evening after a hectic day and found a small bag on the ground. I opened it and behold what I found inside; $20,000 dollars!! Fear first catch me, but I took the bag home and when ...I emptied It, I found some Documents, ID card, ATM card and an Iphone. I thought about throwing the sim away and keep the phone and also dispose the documents and keep the money. After a long thought, I decided to leave things as they were, hoping that the owner would call. Not long after a call came through on the Iphone, I picked and talked with the caller. Apparently it was the owner of the bag coz he named absolutely every content of the bag. We met afterwards and i handed him the bag. he offered me $2,000 dollars but I turned it down , he collected my number and i left. Yesterday he called me and offered me a job at Chevron worth 750,000 Naira per month, a 3 bedroom flat fully furnished, and a 2012 BMW X6 As I was smiling and testing the car my brother just slapped me and said "Oya Oya Oya Wake up eba don ready.
AbleMoJah® Nigeria.

lol...............Help Me count the Money

HUSBAND: Sweetheart!

WIFE: Yes honey!

HUSBAND: Come!

WIFE: Why?

HUSBAND: Come first.

WIFE: Ok, I'm here.

HUSBAND: Pull off your clothes.

WIFE: What for?

HUSBAND: Please, do it now!

WIFE: Pulls her clothes off.

HUSBAND: Pull off your panties.

WIFE: (confused) why?

HUSBAND: Just do it now!

WIFE: Ok (pulls her panties off). I'm Unclad now.

HUSBAND: Come to the bed!

WIFE: (goes to the bed) Here I am!

HUSBAND: Spread your legs!

WIFE: (stunned) I've done it!

HUSBAND: Help me count my money!

WIFE: Must I be unclad while counting your money?

HUSBAND: Yes, because I don't trust you when it comes to money! This man is from which state?

Thursday, January 21, 2016

What would You Do??

 

WIFE: Darling why are you home this early wearing such a long face?

HUSBAND: Had a terrible day, I lost all my colleagues today at work

WIFE: OMG! What happened?

HUSBAND: There was a fire out break down the tunnel and everybody died!

WIFE: What a pity! Darling I thank God for keeping U alive. How did you make it out my dear?

HUSBAND: Darling, it was God`s work. My stomach was upsetting me so, I took a break to ease myself in the toilet.

WIFE: Darling, thank God you are alive. What would have happened to us? I feel so much pity for their families, how are they going to survive now?

HUSBAND: My dear it’s a pity, but UNITED NATIONS has decided to give the families of the deceased $10 million each.

WIFE: What? !!!! ten million what? So because of your useless stomach upset and the foolish toilet and your refusal to die with your colleagues………make me miss that money?? I beg if you don’t like trouble , go back and die with your colleagues...😂😂


Abeg One Word For The Wife......

Guys, what are you still waiting for?? Asa dikwa serious oo....

when Naira gets Lassa FEVER

Although we may laugh at the ‘cemetery’ joke but if we examine it critically, that precisely is one of the reasons why our national currency is fast becoming a toilet paper.



When they loot money, they keep it in Switzerland
When they are sick, they go to Germany for medicals
When they want to buy household utensils, they go to China
When they want to invest for the future, they go to America
When buying Mansions, they choose United Arab Emirate
When on shopping spree, they travel to France
When on holidays, they go to the Bahamas
When they want to watch football, they go to Spain or England
When their wives want to give birth they go to Ireland
When they want to buy arms, they send their aircraft to South Africa with cash
When educating their children, they select Canada
When those children want to marry, they go to Dubai
When they want to pray, they go to Mecca or Jerusalem
When they are in their last days, they are flown abroad
But after they die, they all want to be buried in Nigeria.
Abeg! Help me ask them, Nigeria Na Cemetery?
I used the foregoing joke on this page about two years ago but in the light of the havoc being wreaked on our country by Lassa fever in recent weeks, it is almost safe to conclude that the disease might be what is also afflicting our national currency. Yet our response to both the spread of Lassa fever and the continued crash in the value of the Naira are symptomatic of the way we deal with serious issues and there is a way in which both tragedies connect with that joke.

On Tuesday, Health Minister, Professor Issac Adewole warned against what he described as a “conspiracy of silence” among some states in the country about the spread of a disease that has already claimed the lives of dozens of Nigerians. “I want to tell all Nigerians that the Lassa fever disease is real because there is a lot of denial in the country. Presently, the virus has spread to 17 states, affected 62 local government areas and 212 suspected cases within nine weeks in Nigeria.”

Living in denial about whatever ails us is a national ideology in Nigeria because when you look at the cause of the disease, it is a product of carelessness since all that is required of us is to keep a clean house and environment. But having failed to imbibe the conventional lesson that prevention is better than cure, it is no surprise that we are again confronted with what is fast becoming another deadly national epidemic. The same goes for the decline in the value of the Naira for which there seems to be no bottom.

Although we may laugh at the ‘cemetery’ joke but if we examine it critically, that precisely is one of the reasons why our national currency is fast becoming a toilet paper. While we all live in Nigeria from where we earn our income, it is evident that majority of the elite have no faith in our country. From what we eat to what we drink to what we wear and how we leisure, almost everything we do have direct bearing on our foreign reserves. And because the price of oil (which funds most of our indulgences) has gone down in the international market, we can now see the nakedness of Nigeria.

It is therefore no surprise that the more the Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN) tries to shore up the value of the Naira, the more it fails simply because our national lifestyles (including fuelling our cars) are more or less Dollar-dependent. For instance, in 2013, importation of PMS cost us a whooping sum of $8.374 billion in scarce foreign exchange. A year later in 2014, the figure had jumped to $10.4 billion and by the year just ended, 2015, when the nation faced the most acute of fuel scarcities, we still expended $8.005 billion on one single commodity. 

However, the challenge is not only with the downstream sector of our petroleum industry. For instance, within a period of seven months between June and December of 2015, Business Travelling Allowance (BTA) and Personal Travelling Allowance (BTA) alone accounted for $180,307,021.52 of our forex expenditure. And since Nigerians like to travel, the airlines took $584,489,624.60 while school fees for children abroad accounted for $284,928,102. Yet it must be noted that these are just figures from the CBN which tell only a fraction of the story of our waste. So, in total, airlines, BTA/PTA and school fess took a whooping sum of $1,049,724,748.12 within a period of seven months!

A poor country whose people have the taste and appetite of a post-industrial society can only come to a sorry pass. Summer vacation has become a rite for citizens of a country that is hot all the year round. Let us not even go to what we spend on champagne, religious pilgrimages (to Mecca and Jerusalem), medical tourism to India, caskets (only imported ones are fit to bury some Nigerians!) and other such vanities. So, the foreign exchange disease crept in on us gradually until it became an epidemic.   

Since we have witnessed about 70 percent drop in oil prices within the last 20 months and given that more than 80 percent of dollar inflows into the CBN come from proceeds of crude oil sales, we can see the source of our trouble. From as high as US$116 per barrel in June 2014, oil price has plummeted to US$33 per barrel in January 2016, and with Iran now a player in the sector, there are already predictions that the price could fall to as low as $20 per barrel in the coming months, making nonsense of all the projections in the 2016 national budget.

The problem for me is that the federal government has still not come to terms with the challenge at hand. By this dual exchange rate of N199 to a Dollar at official rate and N300 to Dollar at the black market, what we are simply doing is to continue to “subsidise” the rich and the connected at the expense of the poor. In the process, we are creating multi-layer scams while no rational investor would want to put down his/her money under such an unpredictable environment. In any case, the same elite that we blame for our woes are the same people we have created the dual exchange rate for so they can continue to gang-rape the nation.

There is even another angle that we are not looking at. Right now, the situation in many of the states is dire while salaries of workers are owed, in some for as many as six months. Yet, when these same states come to Abuja at the end of the month to collect their shares of the Federation Account from revenues earned in Dollars, they are paid in Naira at the exchange rate of N199 to a dollar. What that translates into is that with a dollar selling for close to 300 in the black market, they lose a third of their earnings to the current foreign exchange regime. How does such a situation make sense, especially under our current circumstance as a nation?

The argument that we are supplying cheap dollars at official rate to some manufacturers is as silly as it is ridiculous. If these “manufacturers” are business men, as we assume they are, their eyes would be on profit. And what can be more profitable than buying something at 199 and selling at 300? That invariable explains why there is no commodity more profitable in Nigeria today than the American Dollar for those who have the connection to get it at the official price. Where in the world do you have such arbitrage in which you buy two dollars at the official rate and you practically get an extra one free by virtue of the profit you make on such transactions from the black market? 

In case the authorities want to know, smart people who are adept at gaming the system are opening fake LCs and doing all manner of things with the government unwittingly promoting rent seeking as an official policy instrument. To compound our woes, these same business people who get dollars at official rate still index their prices against black market prices thus creating a situation, as it obtains in the fuel market, where head or tail, the marketers win; and head or tail, the people lose. Yet the danger in all of these is that if we don’t adjust our exchange rate to meet the existing reality, by the time the situation is forced out of our hands, the consequences will be very devastating for our national economy.

Even with my elementary knowledge of economics, I can see quite clearly that we are dealing with a problem that has festered for a long period and which requires much more than the current responses from the political authority in the country. And we can say the same of both Lassa fever and the dwindling value of the Naira. These are challenges that will just not go away by mere wish and for which we cannot continue to live in denial. We have to confront them with a measure of common sense and long-term commitment to doing the right things. If we don’t, we will continue to count the body-bags either of citizens (lost to Lassa fever) or in the number of businesses that will continue to crumble as a result of the dwindling value of the Naira.


Not a Trump Card! 

“To make America great again, we need to get rid of the Muslims, Mexicans and the Africans, especially the Nigerians. They take all our jobs, jobs meant for honest hard working Americans, and when we don’t give them the jobs, the Muslims blow us up. We need to get the Africans out. 

Not the blacks, the Africans; especially the Nigerians. They’re everywhere. I went for a rally in Alaska and met just one African in the entire state. Where was he from? Nigeria! He’s in Alaska taking our jobs. They’re in Houston taking our jobs. Why can’t they stay in their own country? Why? I’ll tell you why: because they are corrupt. Their governments are so corrupt, they rob the people blind and bring it all here to spend. And their people run away and come down here and take our jobs! We can’t have that! If I become president, we’ll send them all home. We’ll build a wall at the Atlantic Shore. Then maybe we’ll re-colonize them because obviously they did not learn a damn thing from the British!”

The foregoing is a statement that has been going round in recent days. It was credited to Mr. Donald Trump, who incidentally is the front runner among those seeking the ticket of the Republican Party for November’s presidential election in the United States. He reportedly made the “threat” during a rally at Wichita, Kansas, in the course of his campaign that is perhaps the biggest prime-time entertainment programme in America.

If indeed Trump made the comment, which has not been denied, it is important to first highlight a few things. One, even though he is enjoying all the attention he wants, which is all that matters to Trump, it is not likely that he will get the GOP ticket. I am almost certain that when the chips are down, GOP voters will come to terms with the wisdom in a Yoruba adage that while it may be fun to watch a mad person dancing in the market place, nobody would wish such to be his/her child, which then means that the Republican members would be sensible enough to accept that a candidate like Trump would take them nowhere at the polls. 

Two, even if Trump is able to contrive a victory in the primaries with the coalition of the bigots that he leads and becomes the GOP candidate at the election, I doubt if Americans would want to entrust their future to such an unstable character. The point here is that we are not the only people Trump is insulting. His campaign utterances run counter to the very values on which America was founded. And for that reason, it is not only Nigerian-Americans that will shoot down his candidacy, his fellow Americans, the British (whose parliament is debating whether or not to ban him from their country), the Mexicans, the Islamic world etc will join forces to hack Trump off the screen. 

Three, in the unlikely event that Trump even becomes the president of the United States, there are things he would not be able to do because of constitutional constraints. One of them is that he cannot just wake up and decide who can stay in America and who should go “home” in a nation of immigrants! The USA is not like his “Apprentice” show on television where he would have the power to hire and fire citizens.

Meanwhile, I know many Nigerians are angry (and rightly so) that Trump has criminalized our country and people. But given the way in which we romanticize corruption (just a few days ago we were told that some unnamed 55 former Nigerian public officials stole N1.34 trillion), have we not conferred on our nation the badge of sleaze? For instance, if you challenge Trump to provide evidence for his allegation that we are a corrupt people, he can simply just ask you to Google it! 
Therefore, whatever we may feel about Trump, who has a penchant for making irresponsible remarks, we must also recognize that in Nigeria, we also criminalise ourselves a lot. Wherever President Muhammadu Buhari goes, he talks about corruption in our country, which is fair enough, but he has never spared a sentence in praise of majority of our people who are honest, hardworking and for whom you cannot impute corruption. That sort of one-sided narrative from our number one citizen has to change.

All said, I have no problem with those who may wish to challenge Trump even though I see that as a waste of time with such an incorrigible fellow. I would rather that we direct our anger inwards. 

We are a resourceful people and if we maximize our potentials, despite the crash in oil prices, we can begin to do things that would promote the welfare of our people while using the instrumentality of the law (rather than empty propaganda) to deal with bad behaviour in our country. We just need to put our house in order. 


The Verdict by Olusegun Adeniyi; Email: olusegun.adeniyi@thisdaylive.com

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

One Word me LOL

On my way to the market with ma goat! Abeg one word for me.....




AbleMoJah® Nigeria.

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

lol.............a computer programmer

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero" The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

This is What Happens If Your House Help is Straight From the Village (Photo)

A very hilarious photo has shown what it would look like in the kitchen if your house help has just come from the village.





The photo shows a house help using firewood to cook inside the kitchen even though the electric and gas cookers were right next to her.What would you do if you were this lady’s employer?

Monday, January 18, 2016

cHAI.............MEN CAN LIE OOOOOOO

Wow!!!Guys are getting more creative with lies these days

Laugh It Off !!!

Wife : Honey, can u do me a favour?

Husband : Sure, anything for you luv

Wife : Can you kill a lion for me?

Husband : hia,Are you mad? To kill a lion for you? Request something else biko.

Wife: Ok then, can I go through your phone,textmessage; messenger or Whatsapp?

Husband : Where is the lion you want me to kill? Show me tiger & even pythons pls..................

Hahahahahaha !!! Just laugh it off !!!


AbleMoJah® Nigeria.

Sunday, January 17, 2016

plot the difference


People Will Always have Something to SAY

Saturday, January 16, 2016

OmO ............See Wahala

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